Category Archives: Confidence

confidence and confident self-assured communications to increase self-esteem and pride.

Speaking with Confidence (the 3V Way)

Many people ask me how they can communicate with more confidence when they speak.  They ask if it is a matter of vocabulary choice, of speaking louder, or dressing in a new suit.  Today I would like to give some advice on that subject to you my readers.
First things first – understand that effective communication is not just about one aspect of communication.  It is not enough to just start using “power words” and expect everyone to bow down to your great communication skills, and give in to your new sales pitch.
My company name says it all:  3V Communications.  You need to evaluate how you are communicating verbally, vocally and visually.  Here are some techniques to use to help you speak confidently:
Verbal: 
Do so-called power words help?  Sure.  It is always a good idea to have a deep vocabulary so that you can chose the correct word to give your speech or conversation a concise meaning.  The key is to have a word or phrase that is presented simply, yet it is powerful.  Do not ramble on trying to impress someone with your vocabulary and your knowledge of business lingo.  Short and concise will produce a confident result.  Also use strong, more committed words like “yes”, “will”, “able to”, “100%” etc. and use superlatives as well.   For example:
“The United States is 100% committed to protecting its citizens from terrorists.”
“Toronto is the most multicultural city I have ever seen.”
“Cubans are the best salsa dancers in the world.”
Vocal:
Speak loud enough to be heard by everyone, without yelling.  Speak from your diaphragm, which is an old actors’ technique.  Speak to the person at the back of the room.  When you are speaking confidently you must speak at a medium pace that uses appropriate and dynamic stressing of your key words.  We should also add eye contact and body language gestures to match our stress and intonation.
Examples of important stressing:
“Our company wants to do business with you so let’s make a deal today.”
(Too plain and not enough feeling)
Our company wants to do business with you so let’s make a deal today.” 
(Too much emphasis on you and your company’s desires.  Could come off as pushy.)
Our company wants to do business with you so let’s make a deal today.”
(Much more rhythmic and dynamic when spoken with a firm but friendly voice, and is balanced as well.)
Visual:
Visual communication makes up the biggest chunk of our intended feeling and attitude that is conveyed.  To show confidence you must have great posture, use lots of eye contact, smile often (when appropriate), have hand gestures that are in sync with your verbal and vocal communications, and you must know how to dress for success.  You must understand first and foremost which clothes look and feel best for your body type (i.e. not too tight, not too baggy) and you need to be dressed appropriately for the occasion. 
If you are wearing an item of clothing that you have had for 5 or more years, think very carefully to yourself how others view it before you wear it again.  It is important to realize that some people out there, particularly in the business world, have a keen sense of modern fashion and will judge you based on that if they see you are wearing a splashy tie, baggy slacks, scuffed shoes, a shirt with a collar that is the wrong size, shoulder seams that rest on your biceps, etc. 
For women they also need to be aware of outdated fashion, wearing huge shoulder pads, wearing hair and make-up styles from the 1990s, heavy perfume, and once again not wearing body type-appropriate clothes. 
Since I am not a fashion expert I will simply tell you that there are a number of fashion websites, blogs, books and magazines available as well as image consultants, should you need one.  Most people don’t, fortunately, if they listen to their trendy spouse or friend. I myself have gone through a number of changes in my dress over the last few years, all for the better I assume, because I listened to my fiancée/wife.
If you are not sure how confidently you are coming across, maybe it is time to ask someone you trust to review your 3Vs and see if there is any way to speak and be seen with more confidence.  If you need me, just let me know.
All the best,

Transfer Worker from China gets Speaking Award

Hello everyone,

I would like to share an email I received today from Grace, one of my private coaching clients here in Toronto.  (I have her permission to share this.)  Before I do I just want to give you a little background on her.  She has been transferred here from Shanghai, China, and works for a large financial institution.
In addition to working with me to improve her business English (which by the way is already really good) I coach Grace on interpersonal and professional communication skills.

Currently Grace is enrolled in a fun, dynamic Dale Carnegie course, which I fully support.  However, I had the opportunity and ability to take her DC training further, by adding to what she was learning and advising her on how to improve her public speaking.  (There are advantages to one-to-one training over large group workshops, right?) 

Here is the unedited email I received today:

Thanks a lot, Ric!

I can’t wait to share the great news with you that I won the
Breakthrough Award yesterday at my Carnegie’s class!

I did restructure my story as you suggested and applied the body
language you taught me. My classmates were very impressed and voted
me as the winner of the night. I think the credit goes to you.
Without your help and inspiration, I would never get there. Thanks
so much!!!

Grace

_____________________

No Grace, thank YOU for being a hard-worker and a brave public speaker in English as a second language.  It is not easy.  Keep up the good work in your DC class as well as in our coaching sessions!

Coach Ric

Building Confidence, Building Success

In order to be a success in life you need confidence: that self-trust and self-assurance that guides you through your decisions. You can now remove the self-doubt and learn how to control negative thoughts that you have about yourself, and also deal with outside negativity. Nothing will ever hold you back again after you master your own self-esteem and raise your confidence levels!  Ask about the personal coaching program called Communicating Confidence Inside & Out:  How to Build Confidence, Be Assertive and Succeed!

If you prefer studying at home for almost no cost, then you could also check out the ebook on the same subject on our STORE page. It will help you understand, then build your personal and professional confidence from the comfort of your own home.  Take a peek!  🙂

How to Communicate Like a Good Manager

Many people want to know how to be a good or a better manager, supervisor or team leader. This is hard to answer sometimes, as it may depend on culture, corporate culture, previous expectations and promises, and company as well as personal values.

The main point to remember is to show respect, calmness, and vision in all your communications. Bullies are not respected, even if they are feared. You must be firm but fair. At the same time ‘softies’ often are not listened to or given respect either. I recently had an email from an old Chinese friend (really nice sweet guy) who was asking for advice on how to manage foreign English teachers in China at his company. Apparently whenever they didn’t agree to some term of employment, they simply ‘played the foreigner card’ and claimed that they don’t have to do that because things are different in their own country. Smells like arrogance to me. The funny thing is, this nice guy who was asking me for help really wanted me to give him advice on understanding Westerner’s employment standards and practices.

That is a good thing to do, since he is managing them. However I reminded him that they are guests in China and are employees of his company, and that the main way to avoid some confusion is to have a clearly written ‘rules and conditions of employment’ contract which everyone must read and sign. That way both sides are clear on what is expected from the beginning. If the teachers find these rules too difficult then he should invite them to seek employment elsewhere! Of course rules can be bent and terms can be negotiated and re-written, but it cannot be done through bullying or ultimatum-giving, and that is what I wanted my friend to understand. He was being a push-over and they were taking advantage of his hospitality, as I understood. As a manager he needed to learn how to deal with facts (i.e. terms of employment as set out by the company) and be firm but fair in his dealings with his teachers.

Similar things happen all over the world. Here in multicultural Toronto, I come across stories all the time of people who are either being too strong or too shy. How many Russian immigrants have I told to “soften your language” and to “not be so direct”? Almost as many Chinese immigrants I have told to “be more confident in your speech” and to “not be so indirect”! Funny right? And that is just a small sample from my world of being a professional Communication Coach. Many more stories to tell…

How to Negotiate without Compromising Everything

Hello everyone,

How do you feel about this word ‘compromise’? Does it have a positive meaning for you, where you say to yourself “okay great, now we both (or all) will win. I love win-win situations”. Or does the word ‘compromise’ have a negative connotation to you, where you think “oh great, now I have to give up something I really want or something I worked hard for (or otherwise feel entitled to). That is not fair to me. Why can’t the laws of social Darwinism apply, and may the best negotiator win?”

The simple answer is this: When you win, you feel good. When you lose, you feel bad. Now if you have the chance to make another person either feel good or feel bad, what should you do? What is the moral thing to do? Their emotional wellness is in your hands. Be responsible.

You should not willingly cause someone pain, suffering and emotional damage if you can avoid it. That is why I am suggesting you try to preserve people’s dignity and feelings even when negotiating hard.

Notice that I did not say to roll over. It is still quite acceptable to negotiate hard, to use persuasion and influence tactics like NLP (neuro-linguistic programming), and to protect your interests. What I am specifically saying is to not use unfounded aggression, aggravation or bullying to get your way, whatever the cost.

What is the cost? It could be friendship, business contacts, neighbours, or more.

What can we do instead? Negotiate but do not insult. This is the difference between being assertive and aggressive. Assertive people stand up but stay calm. Aggressive people do not remain calm. They let their emotions overtake them, and the results are often painful. Go after what you want but with respect. Speak with respect and your opponent will have no choice but to respect you. Have a discussion, not an argument.

May the best person win – or may you both or all win!

Carrying Baggage? Let it go.

We talk about people having baggage, meaning that they have unresolved anger or other negative feelings for something that now affects their current situation. Baggage is simply unhealthy. Have a read:

YOU PUT THE DEVIL OUT, BUT DID YOU LET HIM LEAVE HIS BAGS?

You got out of a bad relationship because it was bad, but you are still resentful and angry (you let the devil leave his bags)

You got out of financial debt, but you still can’t control the desire to spend on frivolous things (you let the devil leave his bags)

You got out of a bad habit or addiction, but you still long to try it just one more time (you let the devil leave his bags)

You said, I forgive you, but you can’t seem to forget and have peace with that person (you let the devil leave his bags)

You told your unequally yoked mate that it was over, but you still continue to call (you let the devil leave his bags)

You got out of that horribly oppressive job, but you are still trying to sabotage the company after you’ve left (you let the devil leave his bags)

You cut off the affair with that married man/woman, but you still lust after him/her (you let the devil leave his bags)

You broke off your relationship with that hurtful, abusive person, but you are suspicious and distrusting of every new person you meet (you let the devil leave his bags)

You decided to let go of the past hurts from growing up in an unstable environment, yet you believe you are unworthy of love from others and you refuse to get attached to anyone (you let the devil leave his bags)

When you put the devil out, please make sure he takes his bags!

HAPPINESS KEEPS YOU SWEET,
TRIALS KEEP YOU STRONG, AND
SORROWS KEEP YOU HUMAN,
FAILURES KEEP YOU HUMBLE,
SUCCESS KEEPS YOU GLOWING,
BUT ONLY GOD KEEPS YOU GOING!

In The Remainder of 2010, Let the devil Take his bags with him!
Be Blessed, Healthy and Happy!

(Unknown author)

Confidently Asking for a Raise in Salary

Asking for a raise can be very uncomfortable, especially if you are a bit shy, new to the company or unsure of your value/worth. Let me give you some hints that have helped me along my career path, and even now during self-employment.

1 – know the industry standards. You have to know what a typical person in that role makes, so that you understand the value of the job. What is the fair market value?

2 – ask for more than you think you deserve. In other words, be confident in your negotiations and valuations.

3 – critically understand why you deserve a raise, or a high starting salary/wage. Think hard about what kind of great worker you are or will be, and convince yourself first that you are worth what you are asking for. Be prepared to verbalize it all, your soft skills and hard skills, with concrete, easy to understand (and remember) examples.

4 – When justifying your newly asked-for raise, do not explain why you need the money. Instead explain from the company’s point of view all the benefits you have brought them, or how you have made life easier/more profitable for them. This is a simple rule of persuasion and negotiation – make it about THEM, not YOU. Also keep in mind the formula E + P = P. Efficiency + Productivity = Profitability. So therefore you must make it clear to the person who is considering hiring you (as an employee or as a consultant/contractor) or who has already hired you (i.e. your manager) how you have made the company money by being efficient and productive. This is a simple formula to remember that you should keep in the back of your head when answering interview questions.

I remember an ex-girlfriend of mine who was so efficient and productive at her company that they threw money at her to keep her, giving her the first raise in less than 3 months. When she had to quit they tried to throw more money at her to stay. When she really had to leave, the company had to hire 3 people to replace her! Talk about making yourself indispensable!

I can also tell you a story about my first office job. I found out the industry standard, and when it came time to answering the question of how much money I wanted, I ‘overshot’ confidently. (I had a good interview though as I was well prepared).
The manager said she couldn’t start me off with that much, but gave me the highest starting salary allowed by the company, which was just a little less than what I had asked for. I was confident in my answer, but did not demand it, plus I backed it up with presumably good interview answers.

A couple months later the company hired a new girl for a similar position who was fully bilingual in French, which I was not. This is well known to be a competitive advantage. Do you know what? They started her off 3 grand a year LESS than me! Why? Because when the question came to her “what kind of salary do you expect?” she answered “well I’m just a new graduate, so whatever you can start me with is fine with me. I’m just happy to be working full-time.” That may not be a direct quote but you get the idea. The company will save money if you let them!

Now, as a self-employed coach & trainer, I ask for what I feel my time is worth, and 99% of the time get it without argument. I know what I’m worth, what my material is worth, what the results of coaching/training is worth to the individual or company, etc. I confidently quote people a price and they accept – but I back it up too!

Anyway enough money-talk for now. The point is you must know your worth, be able to ask for it or more, and be able to justify it both verbally and with your actions.

Now go get your money!

Want a Raise? Look Better!

Interesting article today from Forbes. Discusses that as you gain weight or just not take care of yourself in general, your salary goes down too. This article specifically notes white women are subject to this type of discrimination.

If this is actually true, what can you do?

1 – attitude is everything. Be positive and energetic.

2 -Dress for success. Make sure you know which clothes highlight your body, and which colours and patterns to wear/not wear. If you don’t know, find an image consultant or trusted fashionable friend.

3 – Walk tall. Straighten up your posture, even when sitting.

4 – Talk tall. Don’t yell but speak with authority and in a loud clear voice.

5 – Smile. Smile smile smile! With that in mind, visit the dentist regularly.

6 – Read this article. Now.

Enjoy!

http://ca.finance.yahoo.com/personal-finance/article/forbes/1361/think-looks-dont-matter-think-again

Can You Laugh at Yourself?

The most confident people are able to laugh.
They laugh under stress, they laugh at jokes, even if they are not particularly funny (out of respect for the joke-teller – as long as they are not disrespectful jokes), they laugh at themselves when things go wrong or when ‘Murphy’s Law’ takes over their life for a moment, and they laugh at insults.
Do your best at work and in life, but don’t sweat the small stuff. And don’t let anyone put you in a bad mood just because they can’t control their own life, mood swings, anger issues, jealousy, workload…the list goes on. Help them if you can, but do not let others walk over you. No doormat here!

Laugh my friends. You don’t need stress and anger inside you. I leave you with one of my favourite odd-but-true quotes:

“When the vultures start circling, the thought of how silly they look will put things in a truer perspective.” – David Carradine

Positive Competitive Behaviour

“There are two types of competitive behavior. One is a sense of competition because you want to be at the top. You create obstacles and harm someone. That competition is negative. But there is a positive kind of competition, which benefits the individual, the competitors, and the economy. Let your competitors also grow, without any sense of harming them.”
— Oct. 11 2009 — Insight From the Dalai Lama