Tag Archives: conflict management

Bitch slap: How do you handle conflict? | In the Key of He

Please click the link below to read the full story on Leah’s blog.

Source: Bitch slap: How do you handle conflict? | In the Key of He

Here is an excerpt:

Conflict management

I shared a radio interview with communications expert, Ric Phillips, of 3V Communications last year and I met with him this week. I always like talking to Ric because his background in social psychology and coaching gives him an interesting perspective.

During our visit, I told him about the intended bitch slap. We discussed what my options could have been, and Ric said that when conflict arises, there are really only four possible choices:

1.  Do nothing – maintain silence and do not react;
2.  Escape the scene or person(s) to avoid further conflict;
3. Change your attitude because you have a minimal chance of changing theirs;
4. Change your behaviour (see #3).”
Please click the link below to read the full story on Leah’s blog.

Source: Bitch slap: How do you handle conflict? | In the Key of He

Control Your Attitude to Improve Your Communications

Hello everyone,

Tis the season to be holly, jolly and happy, but unfortunately a few people out there have not received the message.

Yesterday I saw two guys almost get in a fist fight on the subway platform, until an undercover cop broke them up. The day before, during a big snow storm, I heard one driver yell to another to “watch out, or I will push you into the ditch!”  Even though I was not directly involved in either of these cases, I was still struck with a reaction. Actually my reaction was immediately to shake my head and wonder why people would risk hurting themselves or innocent by-standers over something as trivial as their own ego and misplaced sense of competitiveness.

Let me expand my thought process to you on this.

Do I have a healthy ego and strong sense of self? Yes, for sure. I am reasonably confident and assume I can hold my own in any situation. Do I get annoyed or offended if someone does some kind of perceived injustice to me? Yeah, sort of, but not really.

“What kind of strange answer is that?” I hear you scream. It is my reaction to competitive behaviour when I am not involved in a game or sport.

Winter storm driving is not a sport. Shopping is not a sport. Getting in line or queue for the subway train is not a sport. I think you get my point. Competition is for sports and games with rules to follow, to determine a winner. None of the above activities should apply.

I have built up a ‘filter’ so that when something happens to me or around me 99% of the time I do not over-react with emotion and ego, or with a competitive spirit. I do not see it as a contest of wills, of right and wrong, of winning and losing. I instead try my best to empathize with the other person or people, and I give them permission to be a flawed human, just like me. Through empathy I try to connect with them and calmly work at resolving the issue, one way or another.

Empathy is the key to communication. We must try to listen, read body language and see the issue from the other person’s perspective. We do not need to fight, or run away, or apologize, or get riled up with defensiveness. We instead should practice self-control and empathy first.

I know some of you understand exactly what I am saying, and I also know some of you are wondering what happy-pill I just took. 🙂   The truth is (to me anyway) that attitude, self-confidence, self-control, conflict management skills and empathy are huge parts of better communication, and that is why we need to incorporate them. When we get emotional and defensive in attitude, we cannot think as clearly as when we maintain our composure, relate to the key emotions first, then problem solve the situation to a satisfactory resolution.

On a personal note I would like to share something with you. Over 20 years of study and practice in martial arts here in Canada and abroad in Asia have taught me two important things. One: I assume I can fight, and I will always hope to be able to hold my own.  Two: I hate to fight, and will do everything I can to avoid it.

Just because I can do something, does not mean that I should do that thing.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you, wherever you are. Enjoy your family time and control your positive attitude, no matter what happens to you or around you.

That will serve you as a gift that keeps on giving, throughout your life, and also for the others around you.

All the best,

Ric

The Confident Leader

Hello my friends,

I am happy to introduce to you Larina Case. Last year I bought her book “The Confident Speaker” and use it’s advice to help my clients improve public speaking and presentations. Today I am participating in a ‘blog tour’ to help spread the word about Larina’s newest book, The Confident Leader. Here is an interview by Larina, which I think you will enjoy and find very relevant to our cause:

1. What if we come across as too confident?

Many people worry about appearing arrogant and would rather appear less confident than over-confident. In reality, it is often a lack of confidence that makes people come across as over-confident.

When we lack confidence, we tend to overcompensate. And it is the overcompensation that makes people look over-confident (or look like they’re trying too hard) and puts others off.

If someone is worried that he will come across as unintelligent, he’ll try to use fancy language, and will look like he thinks he’s so smart. If someone worries that she will come across as boring, she will try to be interesting, and will look like she loves to talk about herself.

There are exceptions. Sometimes people actually are arrogant and have an inflated image of themselves. You would know if this were you because you’d think that you can do no wrong, your opinion of yourself would be higher than others (you’d be shocked by Bs on papers or performance reviews that were not 100% glowing). You’d dominate conversations and not be interested in others’ viewpoints. If this is you, then these things need to change. If this is not you, then you really don’t need to worry.

2. What are 3 simple things we can do to build our confidence?

1. Develop your growth mindset. This is your ability to ask yourself questions like, “What can I learn” from situations regardless of their outcome and NOT to judge yourself from the outcome.
2. Take on strategic challenges. Push yourself about 20% past your comfort zone by seeking out and taking on challenges (not just dealing with them as they arise).
3. Give yourself credit. Reward your efforts (not your results) when you have done something difficult.

3. Can we build confidence from career achievement?

We know from recent research that self-esteem and confidence are some of the most important predictors of career success and income, and that it doesn’t go the other way around—we can’t wait until we have a thriving career and hope that it increases our confidence. Instead, if we develop confidence, we’re more likely to have a thriving career.

Confidence does NOT necessarily come from achievement. It comes from how you interpret your actions. Two people can achieve the same level, and one feels great and proud of her process of getting there, and the other feels that they could have done better or worries if they’ll do as well the next time. (Guess who’s more confident?)

4. How come being effective doesn’t cut it in today’s economy?

As you know, the current economy is a challenging one and it will separate the true leaders from the simply effective people. The cream will rise to the top and they will be the ones who will be most competitive for the best jobs, clients, and other opportunities.

Ironically, in tough times, most people become LESS exceptional. They get scared. They retreat into their comfort zones. They seek security and play it safe. They want to blend in and fly under the radar. They are afraid to accept responsibility for things that don’t go well. They do not step up as leaders.

You must avoid this temptation! These things will keep you in the average zone (or worse) and keep you from being exceptional and presenting your best.

How can we find out more about becoming confident leaders?

My new book The Confident Leader: How the Most Successful People Go from Effective to Exceptional provides a 6-step formula for taking on key challenges, making difficult decisions, and navigating outside your comfort zone. The second half applies the formula to key business areas such as staying focused and motivated, marketing yourself, standing out, and dealing with difficult people. It includes interviews with business leaders such as Seth Godin, Tim Sanders and Joe Vitale. Learn more by checking out her book and it’s reviews.

Thank you!

Communicating Confidently in Business

Hello those of you in Toronto/GTA:

This is the last week that we are taking registrations for the upcoming Nov. 8th effective communication skills workshop, downtown Toronto.

You will learn:

How to Communicate with confidence
The art of small talk and winning first impressions
conflict management
assertiveness in communications

Downtown Courtyard by Marriott Hotel, Yonge/College.
Free lunch, free 1-hr. coaching session too.

Register now for a 20% discount.

http://www.CommunicationCoach.ca

Any Qs, just contact and ask Ric.
Thanks.

Effective Communications Workshop


NOTE: This is the last week to register.

3V Communications Presents:

Communicating Confidently in Business: Learn to Communicate with Charisma and Confidence to Build Your Career Success!
This interactive workshop focuses on building confidence in your communications, people-skills, first impression management and conflict management, plus influence. See website ad for more details and bonuses.

Saturday November 8th 2008, 9-5pm
Courtyard by Marriott Downtown Hotel, 475 Yonge St. (@ College),
Toronto, ON M4Y 1X7
Contact Ric Phillips
416.429.7935
ric @ CommunicationCoach.ca

http://www.CommunicationCoach.ca and click on Public Workshops – Toronto

Any Qs? Just ask!

Communicating Confidently in Business – Workshop

3V Communications Presents
An effective communication skills full-day interactive workshop:
Communicating Confidently in Business

Learn to Communicate with Charisma and Confidence to build your Career Success!

November 8th, 2008 – Downtown Toronto Hotel

• Are you unsure if you are being heard and respected at work?
• Do you feel a little insecure or shy sometimes, and feel it is holding you back?
• Do you have difficulty handling stressful situations, arguments or workplace conflict? Do you have trouble saying no?
• Having trouble standing out but still fitting in?
• Are people not listening to you and your ideas, and do you wonder how you can change that?

After this course you will raise both your personal and professional communication skills to the top 10% of the world – and that is where you will find the most successful people in business and in life. Confident communicators are given more responsibility at work, are given promotions and raises more often, and become great business leaders. When you can communicate clearly and confidently, but still do it in a friendly, non-offensive way, you are headed for upper management or other leadership roles.

By the end of Saturday you will be able to:
Understand the importance of first impression management, and create a winning first impression that leaves others wanting to know more about you

Generate small talk easily – so you can enjoy stress-free conversations while you network, turn strangers into friends and build strong teams at work

Increase personal charisma and confidence – real leadership qualities vital in today’s competitive markets

Speak clearly with confident language, tonality and gestures

Use the fundamentals of sales psychology to persuade and influence others, and find out how to implement Aristotle’s 3 keys to persuasion while speaking in public

Manage conflict in a less-stressful way, so you can disagree and say no without offending others or getting into arguments

Be assertive without being aggressive, because nobody respects a bully!

SUMMARY & BONUSES:
you get a full day (9-5) of interactive and dynamic communication training – essential soft skills for today’s world of business

Catered Lunch and two Coffee breaks

Certificate of Completion – showing that you care about your personal and professional development, and have taken steps towards gaining excellent communications and building confidence for success

One Complimentary coaching session to get your personal communications assessed after the workshop is completed

$100 voucher, good towards any one-to-one coaching program or future workshop

Referral program – Do you have a friend or co-worker who would be interested in attending? You are eligible to receive a $50.00 thank you for everyone you send us who signs up and completes the workshop. Our way of thanking you for recommending us to new people

Early-bird special price – regular price is $299 for the day (plus g.s.t.), but we are currently offering an early-bird special price (see website) until October 6th.

Discounted room rate – if interested in staying at the Courtyard by Marriott downtown hotel please contact Ric directly to arrange it

By now, I trust you can see the benefits of developing the knowledge and skills to communicate confidently in business – so what are you waiting for?

To register, click here now. Or if this is not highlighted, just follow this link:
http://www.communicationcoach.ca/pb/wp_a4623824.html?0.9709723454620556
Location: This event will be held at Courtyard by Marriott Downtown Hotel, 475 Yonge Street (@ College St.). For a Google map location, click on the address above on my website, http://www.CommunicationCoach.ca

I look forward to meeting you and taking you to the next level of confident communications. Any questions please do not hesitate to call or email me:

Your coach and trainer,
Ric Phillips

Don’t Hold Onto Anger

Recently a friend of mine told me this story. She came home from work and saw 2 young teenage girls chatting at the front of the building, one holding the building door open as she chatted. My friend simply walked through the open door and proceeded to the elevator. One of the ‘young ladies’ called her the dreaded ‘B’ word and even gave her the finger as the elevator doors closed, much to the surprise and confusion of my friend.

This stuff happens all the time. We could blame poor communication skills, poor upbringing of the young offender, mis-communication etc. The fact is we do not know why the girl said what she said and gestured rudely. For all we know in her head she was justified. Maybe she thought it was rude for someone to briskly walk through her conversation. Maybe there was an accidental touch of a bag or purse, unbeknownst to my friend. Or maybe she was just having a bad day and over-reacted. We may never know. So guess what I told my friend? LET IT GO.

Let it go. Be the adult. We cannot control other people’s actions, right? All we can do is control our own actions, and in this case, REACTIONS. Why would you let someone ruin your day?

We all would feel shocked and betrayed at that sudden flip-off, for sure. But what can we do now? Shall we confront the villain? Ok, get in an argument or fight. Who wins? No one wins a fight (unless it is a sport-fight). You exchange words, shouts, curses, even blows. What if there are injuries? A broken cell phone? A ripped favourite shirt? A cut that leaves a scar? Or worse! And what do you tell the police when they show up? That you were angry at someone’s word and gesture so you started a fight? Hmm….

I do believe in standing up for yourself and your loved ones. My message today is to simply choose your battles, and don’t waste your time on idiot behaviour – yours or theirs. Do not let someone else’s negativity ruin your day. Chin up, walk proud and LET IT GO. A confident person has no need to defend his/her ego over something like this.

Confident Verbal Communications

Here is a sample of what was taught at a previous public 3V communication skills workshop to help our participants communicate their confidence:

Even though only 7% of our communication is verbal, which is our word choice, phrases and expressions used etc. we still need to acknowledge the impact of what we say on others.

A confident person knows when he or she is good at something, and trusts themselves at all times. They know that the words we say affect our belief system. Not cocky, not meek, a confident person simply states the truth.

Now you finish these sentences with confidence!

I am…

I will…

I trust that…

I can…

I’m able to…

Yes, that’s correct. I am…

I trust you. You can do it. I know because…

We also sometimes use ‘softeners’ when we want to be more diplomatic, professional, non-aggressive and non-offensive. A confident person never wants to offend anyone, and is not easily offended either. They always take the higher ground. They are expert managers of conflict. They are excellent listeners and have developed their empathy levels. They have no need to assert their strength to put others down. They can defend themselves politely, yet firmly. They do not argue. They discuss.

Some example softeners are below.

Would you mind…?

Could you please…?

Could I ask…?

Is it possible to…?

I’m wondering if…?

How do you feel about…?

I’m curious to know…

Sometimes changing a small phrase in your sentence or question will make all the difference between being a confident communicator or a wishy-washy or even offensive speaker. Remember that the next time someone tries to bully you as well.  

All the best!

Confident Verbal Communications

Our Saturday workshop was a blast! Here is a sample of what was taught to help our participants communicate their confidence. Enjoy.

Even though only 7% of our communication is verbal, which is our word choice, phrases and expressions used etc. we still need to acknowledge the impact of what we say on others.

A confident person knows when he or she is good at something, and trusts themselves at all times. They know that the words we say affect our belief system. Not cocky, not meek, a confident person simply states the truth.

Now you finish these sentences with confidence!

I am…

I will…

I trust that…

I can…

I’m able to…

Yes, that’s correct. I am…

I trust you. You can do it. I know because…

We also sometimes use ‘softeners’ when we want to be more diplomatic, professional, non-aggressive and non-offensive. A confident person never wants to offend anyone, and is not easily offended either. They always take the higher ground. They are expert managers of conflict. They are excellent listeners and have developed their empathy levels. They have no need to assert their strength to put others down. They can defend themselves politely, yet firmly. They do not argue. They discuss.

Some example softeners are below.

Would you mind…?

Could you please…?

Could I ask…?

Is it possible to…?

I’m wondering if…?

How do you feel about…?

I’m curious to know…

Sometimes changing a small phrase in your sentence or question will make all the difference between being a confident communicator or a wishy-washy or even offensive speaker. Remember that the next time someone tries to bully you.

Do you know a Confidence-Sapper?

The people who you have the most contact with and hang around will have either a positive or negative affect on your levels of self-esteem and confidence.

We all know those people who are positive, happy and joyful to be around.

How do they make you feel?

Yes, they make you feel the same! They can put zest into a boring atmosphere and can fill the room with positive, can-do vibes that have a ripple effect on everyone else.

We also know those people who could make great “Wendy Whiners” or “Debbie Downers” (characters from SNL – Saturday Night Live TV sketches!).

They say they never had the opportunities, they are always putting people down, they don’t like others to be successful, they are jealous and are negative thinkers – need I go on? They are like crabs in a bucket – pulling down anyone reaching for the top.

These people drain your energy and bring you down to their level, a million miles away from the level that YOU want to be operating on.

The interesting thing is, many of these confidence-sappers are not malicious. Many times they do not realize that they are so negative, and that they are annoying you. Some feel they are “realists”, but we tend to think they are clearly “pessimists.”

You have to ask yourself a big question – what happens to my level of confidence and optimism when I am inundated with their rainy cloud or critical attitude?

It will more than likely wear you down, and worse yet, you may even adopt their language, gestures and view. This scares me!

So what should you do to make sure that the people who you hang around with empower and support what you stand for rather than bring you down all of the time?

1 – You have the power to choose who you hang around with. Ideally you want happy, vibrant and positive people. Make sure they outweigh any party-poopers.

2 – If you have good friends who are negative constantly and yet you still want to hang around them, make a point of letting them know how you feel – if they are a true friend they will respect you for this. If they are negative from time to time just acknowledge that this is what they are like and block out the negativity. Some may appreciate you letting them know that they complain too much.

3 – The same can be said with family. Your more mature family members have behaviours that have been conditioned for years and years and from different eras. Appreciate where they have come from and as in number 2 above, elicit and select the information that filters through to your brain.

4 – Remember, that nothing has meaning in life except the meaning that you give it. You have the power to accept or not accept criticism, negativity and most comments directed at you. Do not allow yourself to feel like a ‘victim’ and instead be a person in-charge and in control. Filter everything around you, and choose carefully what you wish to believe, and always consider the source. Not just the person or persons, but the potential reasons why they would say or do such confidence-sapping things.

I feel so strongly about this issue of preserving your self-confidence that I run a unique coaching course on confidence-building. The focus is on communicating your confidence – inside and out – and will have you learning how to walk, talk, act and dress for confident success! We also sell the course workbook as an ebook on this site. 🙂  If you want to learn how to block out negativity, change your attitude and be more confident, take advantage of the training.